The
Old Guard
DEDICATED
TO ALL THOSE WHO FLEW WITH ROUND ENGINES
Author Unknown
We gotta
get rid of those turbines, they're ruining aviation
and our hearing...
A turbine is too simple
minded, it has no mystery. The air travels through it in a straight line and
doesn't pick up any of the pungent fragrance of engine oil or pilot sweat.
Anybody can start a
turbine. You just need to move a switch from "OFF" to
"START" and then remember to move it back to "ON" after a
while. My PC is harder to start.
Cranking a round engine
requires skill, finesse and style. You have to seduce it into starting. It's
like waking up a horny mistress. On some planes, the pilots aren't even allowed
to do it...
Turbines start by whining
for a while, then give a lady-like poof and start whining a little louder.
Round engines give a
satisfying rattle-rattle, click-click, BANG, more rattles, another BANG, a big
macho fart or two, more clicks, a lot more smoke and finally a serious low
pitched roar. We like that. It's a GUY thing...
When you start a round
engine, your mind is engaged and you can concentrate on the flight ahead.
Starting a turbine is like flicking on a ceiling fan: Useful, but, hardly
exciting.
When you have started his
round engine successfully your crew chief looks up at you like he'd let you
kiss his girl too!
Turbines don't break or
catch fire often enough, leading to aircrew boredom, complacency and
inattention. A round engine at speed looks and sounds like it's going to blow
any minute. This helps concentrate the mind! Turbines don't have enough control
levers or gauges to keep a pilot's attention. There's nothing to fiddle with
during long flights.
Turbines smell like a Boy
Scout camp full of Coleman Lamps. Round engines smell like God intended
machines to smell.
Contributed by (P) Dave Allen
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